2015…and all that Jazz!

 

 

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As the 2015 chapter of my life comes to a close, it is natural for me to reflect on the type of year I’ve had. I usually would add it as another page to my journal but not this year. I’m doing things a lot different this year.

This last year was full of growth, love, tears, laughter and nope, not your typical happily ever after but that doesn’t mean my life isn’t full of love and all the things that truly matter.

It brings to mind this awesome quote from Chicago’s “All That Jazz” when Velma Kelly is opening up her show in an awesome and high energy musical number and belts out toward the end of the song,

No, I’m no one’s wife
But, Oh, I love my life

 That part seriously gives me the chills and has recently stirred up strong emotions toward being in my late 20’s, unmarried with no current prospects (As they would say in a Jane Austen novel) and with no children.

 Let me expand on this a bit.

 I love Disney movies. As I have mentioned before, Cinderella is my ultimate favorite.  However, they have set up this terrible expectation in the girls that watch them and grow up to  be women like me and you to wait on our Prince Charming to come and rescue us. Disney has shied away from it recently but that message can still be seen in the older films.  It implants the idea that a woman’s life is not complete if she hasn’t found her gallant prince. I always thought I was above all of these petty beliefs and ideals, and earlier this year I realized that sadly, no, I was not. I found myself talking to my best friends and realizing that we were all just waiting for our Prince Charmings to sweep us off our feet and carry us into the sunset and had this ridiculous idea that all of our problems would disappear when he came our way. Even though we know this doesn’t happen, we didn’t want to give up the fairytale. I’m sure once I meet that special someone I will feel another level of happiness and I will embrace it.  Nevertheless, now that I’ve completed my Alive workshops, I found out that I don’t need a man to rescue me. I am and always have been quite capable of rescuing myself and that is exactly what I did this year.

This year I faced my fears, insecurities, bad habits and broke barriers to discover my true self and the things I really want to create in this life. The last few months have been full of so many blessings that I honestly had to stop and pinch myself and ask, “Is this really me? Is this really my life now?” Then, I stopped myself. I reminded myself that I have come a long way from doubting the things I deserve and to feel that I am worthy of the blessings coming my way and so many more. As long as I have God in my corner, belief in myself and my abilities and the support from the people that I love, I will be successful and have a happy life. Everything else is just filler. I can finally say, without a shred of doubt, that I love my life. It isn’t perfect, I struggle and doubt and cry and laugh and love and anger just like everyone else, but I have peace in my heart. I now have the strong belief that I am capable of being successful in everything I do and if I fail, there is always a lesson to learn and a new chapter to write.

When I started 2015, I was drunk at a party and super disappointed with a relationship that didn’t pan out and continuously sad about the things that didn’t go right. I would hide it behind a big smile and some kind of mixed drink but I knew I wasn’t truly happy.  As 2015 comes to a close, I am so unbelievably happy and ready to continue to transform my life and push limits. I am ready to break barriers and I pray to God the people I love are ready for it as well! How things have changed. This is it, my farewell to 2015. I will leave it in the past, take with me the lessons it has taught me and  put it to rest. Because I can’t start a new year or step into the future without letting go of the past, even a year as good as this one. However, I will not do it until I acknowledge the people that have made the biggest difference.

Firstly, I want to give a big THANK YOU to God! He knows my heart and knows how I feel but I would love to praise Him here, in this other sacred place of mine for all the trials, opportunities and blessings he has sent my way. I realize it wasn’t my job to understand why it’s happening to me but to question what I can learn from it. Without His strength, wisdom, love and kindness I wouldn’t have been able to make it through so many of the amazingly challenging situations sent my way.

Secondly, I want to thank you Mami! Without you I wouldn’t have been able to come back to California, work full time and go back to school, finish my Liderazgo or commit to my new goals for 2016. You are the most amazingly kind woman I know and I would be beyond blessed to be half the woman and mother you are. I pray we get to accomplish all of our goals and make our dreams come true together.

Thirdly, I would like to thank my siblings. Laura, you challenge me daily to be a  better person and to never settle for less than I deserve. We don’t always agree on things but I’m happy to know I have you by my side through every good and bad moment of this life. Where would I be without you? Sonia I treasure our crazy Car-eoke sessions, long chats and love for Harry Potter! Then, there’s you my lil man. Damien, what can I say? You’re like the child I had at 15 without actually giving birth. You taught me to be selfless and to see life through a child’s eyes again. Your kindness and loving spirit always makes me feel like we’re doing something right! Because I know you will do great things!

Fourthly, to my amazing family and friends that never cease to challenge me, inspire me and make me a better person. You all push me to keep being me and to never stop working toward making my dreams come true. You never give up on me and each bring something special and unique to my life!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to all the people at Alive who have guided me through the most amazing Journey of my life. You are my new family and hold a very special place in my heart. Darlene, Fernanda and Antonia, you three have made serious impacts on my life and I am grateful God brought us together. It doesn’t end here, this is just the beginning!

Lastly, I want to thank you. Yes you. The person who takes the time to read this blog. It’s my safe haven where I can pour my thoughts, soul, love, passion and wisdom and you actually stop your life to read it. I thank you for making time for me. For giving this blog a chance and for continuing to come back. I am grateful to have the opportunity to share a part of my life with you.

I know this seemed like a long, long list of thank you’s, but I just couldn’t let one more day go by without acknowledging these people publicly. I do it privately all the time but I live my life based on this new found love for life, expressing my gratitude and counting every blessing. Now I will wave goodbye to 2015 and welcome 2016 with open arms and a big genuine smile. Because this upcoming year will be all about my new motto

“GO BIG OR GO HOME!”

 

A Reflection of Me and My Transformational Journey

It is very difficult to put this amazing journey I’ve had with Alive into words.

How do you describe a serene state of mind or being able to bask in a pool of emotions you had buried deep inside many years ago? How do you describe sorting through your past, forgiving yourself for previous failures and self-harm and even forgiving those who have harmed you? Or learning to believe in yourself despite all of those voices in your head telling you that you can’t, you’re not good enough or not important enough? Even though it’s difficult, it’s not impossible and here is my reflection on 120 days of transformation.

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The Beginning

The basic and advanced seminars were an extreme awakening. They shook up my core beliefs, broke down all the walls I had built up around my heart and gave me some intense feedback, or should I say a reality check, about the life I built for myself. I learned how to take responsibility for the things I did to myself and to others and forgive those people who harmed me and to forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself, for my life in the past. I learned that I have a voice, I am important and that I am brave. I can do anything I want to do if I believe in myself. It sounds so simple and so much like the underlying theme of every Disney movie I’ve ever seen, however, it’s remarkable how ingrained it was in my mind that I was not worthy of a successful and wonderful life. I realized that the things in my past that I thought were buried and gone and I had moved on from were still lying there beneath the surface just waiting to spring up whenever a stressful situation called upon me to take action and a step toward a good life. They kept dragging me back to this feeling of not being good enough or important enough, that I didn’t deserve to be happy when so many people around me weren’t either. How could I move on and be happy and leave everyone I love behind? I preferred to stay there in the sea of sadness, misery and depression instead of taking a step toward the light! Where the road is bumpy yet the destination is paradise! However, I did it. I took a step toward my future and the life I’ve always dreamed of, first, in company of my sister and then alone. It was hard not going back and dragging her with me. However, I learned that I cannot carry someone toward the life they want if they are not ready for it or because I’m scared to do it alone. I have to stand tall and keep going on my own. To discover who I truly am and whether or not I can walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

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The True Journey

The true journey has been in believing I could do it on my own. Believing that I am strong, brave, passionate, loving and secure! That I am worth loving and worth believing in and when people I loved would tell me all the great things I am, believing that they are true.

I am all that and so much more.

Once the Liderazgo began, the stakes were higher and the risks were bigger. I realized that it’s not enough to learn about the tools for a better life but it’s extremely important to put them into practice in order to truly transform my life. I can’t want to transform it and not take action to make it happen. I would be continuing to rob myself of the life I’ve dreamed of whenever things were tough. The life I daydream about, that makes my heart skip a bit and puts a bit of fear in my mind because it seems so unrealistic at times.  I learned I have to forget about baby steps and leap into this new life I have visualized. The first part was not easy. To actually stop, sit down, and take the time to sort through all the B.S. that was clouding my future and figure out what type of lifestyle I wanted to create. I had to really dig deep and not let what people would think of me or what they need from me affect these decisions. I have always been a people pleaser and it has led me nowhere. I was stuck in the same routine, going in circles trying to make everyone happy at the cost of my own happiness and needs. No more! So when I created my goals and expectations for myself in this Liderazgo, I really worked hard to stretch myself and make myself grow. To step out of my comfort zone and do things I’ve wanted to do but kept telling myself I couldn’t. It was not a perfect journey; there were moments I wanted to quit, to just say “To hell with this! I would have less pressure and stress and commitments if I just quit.” Then I remembered everything I went through to learn the things I learned in the Basic and Advanced workshops. I realized I always want to take the easy way out. I have abandoned many things in my life and mainly my education and weight loss journey have been the ones I have regretted the most. If it got too stressful, too challenging, too scary, too hard, I just gave up. I threw all my progress in the trash and went back to my old ways; the ways that got me over weight, without direction in life, and stuck in the same routine with people who were just as miserable as I was. How could I change my life if I was always quitting when things got tough? How would I accomplish my goals or make my dreams come true if I kept giving up on myself? What was I teaching my little brother when he looked at me and thought about the things I have told him to do when he is in a rough patch? What kind of example am I setting for my future children? These were the questions I kept asking myself when things got rough. I kept marching through the rough days and worked on being the beacon of light for myself and my tribe on the good ones!

One major thing that was difficult for me was asking for support from other people. In my life, I have always had to rely on myself and only one other person, my mother. Anytime I ever asked for support people would make promises and never keep them. So instead of finding a true support system, I put all the pressure on myself and never asked for support when I truly needed it or I just gave up. I gave up instead of reaching out to the people who care about me. It was strange at first and I still struggle, however, it has become easier and easier each time I do. And I am honestly surprised at the people who have risen up to help me during challenging situations. I am grateful and blessed to have a supportive family and an amazing new Tribe that is always cheering me on every step of the way, despite them having their own fears, insecurities and other issues to deal with. It’s hard to believe that this is the first time I feel like I truly belong somewhere, that I have people in my life who share the same vision for the world that I do. It was in all of the amazing exercises we did, all of the meltdowns I had and the moments of true empowerment when I realized that this is it. I am living the life I have visualized, or at least, I’m working on it. My life is not perfect, I still have lots of work to do, and I am putting in 100% of my inner strength and effort to see it through.

I have done things I never thought I could do and have learned to accept the wonderful things about myself that I was too embarrassed or scared to believe I am. I have learned to be proud of myself and let my inner light shine no matter what comes my way. To forgive myself for not being perfect and to not be so hard on myself and love myself the way I would my best friend, because that is what I am, my own best friend.

As my new best friend, I encourage myself to not settle, to put in the hard work and work intelligently toward my goals. I love myself and won’t let my fears, insecurities or other negative traits keep me from being the best version of me and I commit to the following:

  1. To continue to work on myself and always put me and my needs first.
  2. Support my family and friends and be there for all of life’s wonderful and hard moments that will help us grow together.
  3. To take the time to actually enjoy my life and not be so hard on myself.
  4. To let my inner child take over as often as possible.
  5. Be more aware of how my actions affect people and strive to live a life of Win/Win.
  6. To reach my weight loss goals and live a healthy lifestyle.
  7. Continue to give 110% to my education and graduate from university and get my masters.
  8. To save my money and be smart with my finances.
  9. Take as many vacations as possible!
  10. Continue to give back to Alive and touch as many lives as possible.
  11. Keep working on my blog and writing skills and always ensure I spend time nurturing my creative side.
  12. Spend more time appreciating nature.
  13. Organize my life so that all of the above is possible!

Untouchable Light

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I’ll keep you locked away behind a door.

Tucked away in the recesses of my mind.

l will mean for it to be forever, but I know that eventually I will take you out.

I will study you when I need a reminder of why we are no longer together.

A reminder of the pain and the tears and the many many fears you had instilled in me.

Yet, the sadness would not and could not endure.

I am happy again.

I shine brighter than I ever thought possible and the light keeps the darkness away.

It keeps you at bay.

Backhanded Compliments

They just really seriously rub me the wrong way.

Sharing good news with the people you love should be an amazing experience. Those are some of the moments that make this tough yet wonderful life worth living. You have good things happen to you and you are so overcome with joy and pride in yourself that you just can’t help but want to share it with the people you love the most!

But then…sometimes…that person who you thought would be just as excited for you isn’t ready to receive your energy. They listen to you and then…instead of being happy for you and congratulating you on a job well done…they spew out a comment that sounds nice at first. Then, after you replay the sentence in your mind, you realize it wasn’t as nice or as funny as it sounded a minute ago. It was actually an insult! A jab at your success and intelligence, a backhanded compliment. Your energy suddenly drops in that moment and your ego, pride, and vulnerable areas are wounded. They all start giving each other pep talks and prepare very witty, angry and mean comebacks to spew right back at that person. That is the moment. The moment where you decide.

Do you fall into this person’s trap? Do you spew out every come back that pops into your head in that instant? Do you give into your anger and insecurities?

OR

Do you take the high road? Stop, take a deep breath and not let that person’s negativity bring you down from that wonderful place full of pride, happiness and love for yourself and your accomplishments that you were thriving in not so long ago?

This happened to me last week. I was super close to spewing out lots of negative things. To reciprocate the energy that person was giving off, however, I stopped what I was doing and really reflected on what was happening inside my mind. It was a constant battle with myself not to say anything mean, angry or egotistic. I gave a quick positive response and didn’t talk to that person the rest of the day. I was fuming for a bit. I thought about confronting that person for what was said but I realized perhaps it could have been jealousy, insecurity or some other negative feeling that drove that person to say that mean thing to me. And where would I be if I had said what had come to my mind so quickly? I would have had an argument with my friend. I would have tried to wound her the way she wounded me and said things we couldn’t take back. I know friendships have ended because of smaller things but I was not willing to risk it. If our friendship should end, then let it not be because I participated in casting stones at it. If I had cast a stone at her, how could we go back from that? Would “I’m sorry” really have healed our wounds or our hearts? Probably not.

So I bit my tongue and remembered everything I had learned at my work shops. I chose to let it go. I chose to pick love for myself and love for my friend, who despite that “Mean Girl” moment, is an amazingly kind person and move forward with my life. All the drama and cruelty was not worth it to me. I, on the other hand, am worth it. That positive attitude and happiness I was trying to spread is worth me letting go of something mean someone said. In that moment, I remembered something my very wise coach, Darlene, had asked me when I came crying to her about something someone else had said to me, “How long are you going to let what other people say about you or think about you rule your life? When are you going to stop  letting other people control your happiness?”

Though I still think it was a terrible thing to say, I know I can’t control what people say to me, I can only control my reaction to the situation. I will not sit here and victimize myself. I will be a triumphant and positive warrior, ready to defend my happiness and positive attitude with every tool I’ve got. But it will always be from a place of love. It will always be from a place where understanding and patience will always overpower anger and unawareness. In this moment of self love and awareness, a particularly amazing yet simple quote comes to mind that I just can’t help but share. It encompasses everything you need to be able to take on any situation and works as a reminder that a little bit of love goes a long way.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

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Dear Darling,

He likes tattoos on his sleeves and whiskey in his cup.

He dances to the beat of his own drum but can you keep up?

Perhaps you’re not made to dance to his song.

Perhaps you were made to make the earth quake and shake to your own rhythm,

You have your own beat,  Your own drum!

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I. AM. ALIVE.

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Nothing I live through or experience could ever undo the amazing progress I made this weekend!

Bold statement, I know. However, this past weekend, I rode an insane emotional roller coaster during a 4 day workshop that seriously pushed me to my limits! I did things I never thought I’d have the guts to do and I am so unbelievably happy with the results of all the hard work I put in.

I can’t go into details about the exercises because those are the rules, and I can honestly see why. If you know me, see the change in me and want to make this exact change, then I would be robbing you of a wonderfully transformational experience. You would know what to expect and then your reactions or responses to the exercises in the workshop wouldn’t be genuine or any good for you. The point of this workshop is to push you, to separate you from your fears, doubts, insecurities, etc and find your authentic-self. That part of your inner being you started out with as a child and lost along the way. They break you down and build you back up again in a way that completely shifts your perspective on life. So what I will share is my reaction to this four day work shop and what I discovered within myself.

First of all…My name is Evelyn, I am a woman that is responsible, confident, loving, passionate and brave.

The first day of the workshop was a rude awakening! I left feeling drained, vulnerable, raw and just hypersensitive to everything and everyone around me and how I relate to it all.

How unhappy I’ve been with my past choices. How I’m living a life where I just go from my room, to work, to school and back to my room and not taking action to fulfill the promises and goals I set for myself.

Throughout the 4 days, however, I was able to put  all of that to rest and focus on what it’s gonna take to create a brighter future for myself and the people around me. I was shown that the tools to success can be found within myself, and I just have to be brave enough to use them. I was also privileged to see the transformation of all of the other people around me that were also taking the workshop. Some I knew from the basic workshop we took a month ago and some were new faces I had never seen before. It was very interesting to watch other brave people who went through the same things I did but also through their own personal journey toward self acceptance and self love. It was truly a gift to watch how on Thursday we all arrived looking tired, dishevelled and just lacking confidence and on Sunday we all left with smiles on our faces and a look of determination in our eyes.

With this determination in mind, I would like to share with you the areas of my life I realized need improvement:

  1. Responsibility – At some point along the road, I lost my sense of responsibility. First and foremost to myself and then to the people around me, after that my community, society and world we live in. I created a wall that made it seem like I didn’t take anything or anyone seriously and I am working hard to change that.To take responsibility for what I do and the lives I touch.
  2. Confidence – Although I may seem like I don’t care about what others think, the truth is I have let myself be the worst judge of all. I have been the one that hasn’t been secure enough to dare to dream big and I have limited myself to the easy way, the way that makes the most “sense”. But in doing so I have forgotten my dreams, my passion for life and I have let what other’s will think of my choices affect me. So from now on, no holding back. I will go big or go home!
  3. Love – After being burned by the people I most loved in the life, it has been hard not to build up a wall around my heart to protect myself. Although I’m not gonna go and just give my heart to just anyone, I am going to make sure that I give it completely to those who truly appreciate it. I will also be sure to pour it into everything I do, think and feel! I will love myself and never forget that that is the most important relationship in my life. Without loving myself and showing people how I expect to be loved, how do I expect anyone else to love me the the fullest or should I say the way I deserve to be loved?  In the end, what would this world be like without love? I hope we never find out!
  4. Passion – On the road to growing up and being a “Reasonable” adult, I lost my sense of passion. I forgot to feel, desire, to get completely lost in something I love,while I gained a “reasonable” lifestyle. In reality, what I lost was way worse. I lost my drive and thirst for new experiences and created a life of obligation and resentment. In forgetting what I loved to do, I lost who I am. I LOVE to write. I LOVE to cook. I LOVE to read. I LOVE To tell people that I love them and to show them I do as well. I will no longer forget to actively live a life full of passionate embraces, desires, thoughts or actions.
  5. Bravery – This word is thrown around a lot lately, however, I plan to do everyday acts of bravery. Things that require courage, like continuing to grow and stepping out of my comfort zones. Setting the example for the little eyes that look up to me.

These are the areas of my life I have realized I need to work on and will never stop improving. I must keep myself accountable and declaring it here on this blog is my way of doing so. I used to keep quiet about my dreams, my goals, and everything I set out to do in fear of not being able to meet my own expectations. No more! I also discovered that I have a voice and it is worth being heard. I will put myself out there and won’t let the fear of criticism or what other’s think get in the way of being heard. I will continue to search within mySELF and will always remember to live my life to the fullest and to live it for me! I am alive!

Car-aoke!

So I have a not so secret confession to make:

My name is Evelyn and I am a Car-aokeholic!

If you know me and have ridden in a car with me, you have been subjected to one (or many) covers of an amazing Mariah Carey, Selena or Adele song. These three amazing singers are constantly featured on MANY of my playlists on Spotify and in response to their ultra dramatic and highly celebrated voices, I feel I MUST sing along and give as moving a performance as possible from the drivers (and sometimes passenger) seat! I must note that I am not a great singer myself. I can carry a tune alright but I mostly just love to sing for the heck of it! I love music and the way a song can be just good ole fun or an amazing work of art that transports you to a different time and place altogether.

Now I know you probably see that person in the car next to you while you’re driving singing like they’re on stage at Madison Square Garden wailing to a sold out crowd and think, “What is this crazy person doing? Isn’t she embarrassed? Like, doesn’t he realize he’s making an ugly face? Do her eyes need to be closed for that long?”

Speaking for the Car-aoke Community, “YES, YES THEY DO!”

This tradition of mine can be traced back to as early as December of 1995 when I was just a young gal in the back seat of my mom’s car on our way to El Paso, TX to visit our family for the holidays. I was sitting in the back seat with my sister and exploring my brand spanking new Barbie Walkman, which had a Mariah Carey tape ready and waiting for me to hit play! As a child, I was very theatrical and often put on shows imitating my all time favorite Mexican Pop Rock Princess Gloria Trevi. Now, to be fair, what else was a theatrical 8 year old gonna do on a 16 HOUR ROAD TRIP? She was gonna sing the hell out of her favorite song on that tape and try to hit all of Mariah’s high notes that’s what. And that is exactly what I did! Now reflecting on this, my family must really really love me because the only person that complained was my sister Laura and my Grandpa (AKA my biggest fan) gave her the Let-your-sister-do-her-thing look. My poor sister, she had to listen to Mariah Carey’s “Fantasy (Remix)” over and over again belted at the top of my lungs. I hope she will one day forgive me for what must have been the road trip from hell for her.

So that is how it all started and still continues to this day. Again, to be fair, I commute about 2.5 to 3 hours daily and need something to keep me from going crazy with road rage! So I channel all my energy and frustrations into creating amazing mobile concerts for my passengers and if I’m by myself you better believe I’m rehearsing! My music preferences vary with my mood! So be careful if you catch me on a rare melancholy day…there will be MANY Adele songs playing! But all-in-all Car-aoke is a very fun way to bond with the people in your car. You don’t have to be a great singer and you can get creative! Maybe even the people on the street or in the car next to you might join in as it once happened to me on my way home. I was jammin to the amazing Divinyls and giving an awesome rendition of “I Touch Myself” when the guy crossing the intersection decides to stop right in front of my  car and start air guitaring while I sing vocals! It was an awesome moment and I was smiling like a fool the entire way home. I still chuckle to myself when I think about it!

So here is where I challenge you! Yes, you! Step out of your comfort zone if you don’t already Car-aoke and put on your best performance! This is a great way to break the ice during an awkward car ride or to mortify/rock with your teenage kids! In my family, almost everyone Car-aoke’s (especially my lil bro and I) and we even have specific songs we just HAVE TO perform while in the car! My cousins and I snapchat each other when we are especially feeling the song we are performing! I’ll provide a list of songs I often Car-aoke to below! I hope you enjoy the songs and that some of my anecdotes put a smile on your face! If not, then just put one there for the hell of it!

  1. Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
  2. Bon Jovi – Livin’ On A Prayer
  3. Adele – Rumor Has It
  4. Cindy Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
  5. Destiny’s Child – Say My Name
  6. The Killers – Mr. Brightside
  7. Linkin Park – In The End
  8. Justin Timberlake – Sexy Back
  9. Miranda Lambert – Mama’s Broken Heart
  10. Alicia Keys – Fallin’

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These are mostly songs I like to wail too but feel free to use them to get you started or leave a comment with a list of songs you Car-aoke to! I’d love to see what you all are singing and possibly add new songs to my collection!

Why the F*** not me?

I’m trying so hard not to burst into happy tears and I am failing miserably. It takes A LOT to make me cry so these tears running down my cheek are some serious stuff!

It starts with my work mom returning from her family vacation in a bit of a funk the other day. So when she invited me to lunch, I was prepared to be a good listener and offer emotional support since she was already having a sh***y week and it was only Monday.

We walked over to a nice salad and sandwich shop nearby and were chatting about her vacation and my crazy family weekend when we shifted to the topic of my education. As I mentioned in my last post, I recently returned to school after an 8 year “break” to pursue a degree in Communication Disorders and Diseases. She is one of my biggest supporters and is always keeping tabs on my progress. When we were discussing when I would start applying to universities I realized the date is slowly creeping up on me. Then, she asked the question that has been haunting me since I started up school again, “What’s next?”.

What’s Next? What’s Next? What’s Next?

I keep asking myself this question and I thought the plan I had for myself was a pretty good one until she asked me some solid questions that really got me thinking. Why was I only thinking about applying to Cal State Universities? Why wasn’t I even considering applying to schools of a higher caliber? And why wasn’t I applying to the school that is best suited to my major?  I wracked my brain for the answer and then it came to me. The four letter F word that I have let rule my life for too long:

FEAR

 Applying to other schools would be seriously stepping out of my comfort zone. I had a plan, choose a local school that was easy enough to get into and easy enough to pay for and just focus on the end game. So when she asked me those weighted questions even more questions bombarded my mind! How would I pay for it? What if I was rejected? What if I had to move away from home again? How would my family feel about it all? I kept thinking of the negative and was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and then I stopped myself. I made myself look at the possibilities and the opportunities instead of the “obstacles”. I could graduate from a school I’ve always dreamed of attending. I could set an example for my little brother that, as cheesy as it sounds, you CAN do anything you put your mind to. I could prove to myself that I CAN conquer my fears and be a “Boss Bitch” (I love that term) in my own right. I could live somewhere new and really be focused on myself and reach my full potential. I started to get excited when we talked about the possibility of a UC or private school and Cal State Northridge which is a bit far and would require a move but one of the best schools for my major. We addressed the issues that made me give into my fears and when I got back from lunch I felt like I had a whole new perspective on my education.

Now, I’m sure to many of you the things I discovered during this conversation and while mulling it over in my mind are a no brainer; but to me, a girl from a south central L.A. city where the schools were overcrowded, whose single mother didn’t speak much English and didn’t pay too much attention to her education and who lacked the motivation to make college happen right off the bat this conversation impacted me greatly. It revealed to me that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have a long way to go when it comes to discovering what my full potential is and getting rid of the self imposed obstacles that stop me from reaching my goals.

I am now revisiting my educational goals and looking into the requirements for the universities of my dreams! I am looking at a bigger and better future than I had originally imagined and it’s all thanks to the wonderful woman the Lord has put in my life at the exact time I needed her! I am so grateful to her and the support she is offering. I really do feel like the people you surround yourself with really have a huge impact on your outlook on life and I am so glad I get to spend time with a person who is supportive, kind, caring, empathetic and above all things an intelligent woman who worked her butt off to get to where she is today! Thank you Work Mom for everything!  I’ll no longer spend time thinking about the reasons why I can’t do something. I will now quote Mindy Kaling and ask myself “Why the fuck not me?”

Boldly stated by Mindy Kaling

Boldly stated by Mindy Kaling

The Whirlwind at Ease or should I say not so at ease

Evy Study Time

Above is a pic of me at Starbucks while I studied and enjoyed a delicious Mango Black Tea Lemonade! And by study, I mean try to focus on my assignments while checking Facebook, Instagram, and checking out the cute guys that happen to walk in! 😉

Hello Everyone,

This is my very first blog post and I feel super excited,  giddy and as if I have butterflies in my stomach!

A bit about me, I’m 27 going on 28, I live in Los Angeles and work full time at an amazing law firm in West LA as a legal secretary. I am surrounded by well educated and passionate attorneys who are super obsessed with the work that they do and it has inspired me to go back to school and work toward doing something I love.  I lived in Phoenix, AZ for nearly a year but I moved back to LA with my mother so I could  attend community college part time and work toward a degree in Communication Disorders & Sciences. As a part of my major, I am required to take a lot of Child Development classes and they have changed and improved my life immensely. I seriously love those classes and it has lead me down a path of self acceptance, self observation and filled me with an urge to understand my life and the people in it a whole lot better. But I’ll get into that and with more detail in a bit. I am also the youngest of 5 and have an adopted 12 year old little brother who is practically my own kid (people seriously always think he is mine). I will probably be talking about him A LOT because he is a HUGE part of my life and makes me very happy! I am addicted to coffee, the color pink, musicals, books, desserts and Disney! The beach and Disneyland are my favorite places in the world (so far) and I go as often as I can. I’m a morning person and an open book! I live life trying to encourage everyone to be kind, optimistic and more body positive toward themselves and each other. I have always been a dreamer and I am seriously working hard toward making all those dreams my reality! I also love spending time with kids and I find their energy and innocent perspective on life very refreshing! Which is what lead me toward speech therapy. I plan on working with kids in a school setting and I hope to make an impact on their educational and personal development.

I’m usually running around like a chicken without a head trying to balance work, school, family, friends, and my own personal time but I have a three week break between the summer and fall semester and I’m actually kinda freaking out. I’m not used to having my evenings free to do as I see fit and it’s making me giddy trying to figure out how to spend my time. I’m like a kid in a candy store except with time. I returned to school after an 8 year “break” and I find that I am seriously LOVING the entire experience. I feel like I’m filling a void I didn’t know I had! I missed doing homework, learning something new, sitting in a classroom and listening to a professor that loves his/her subject talk about it with excitement. I know there are some super monotonous professors who look bored and as if they would love nothing more than to shoot themselves if they have to talk about class attendance for another year BUT I’ve been blessed with  teachers that truly care about their subject and the success of their students. I have taken 2 child development classes in the last couple of semesters and it has seriously impacted me on a personal level. Learning about how a child develops and the many factors that impact his/her life made me analyze my own life and my family. I have always been in the middle about the nature vs. nurture debate and find myself leaning toward the nurture side a little bit more now. I still think both play a big role in a person’s development but learning that development starts at the time of conception has made me realize how much our environment and the people around you really help form who you are and whether or not you reach your full potential. With this in mind,  I have taken a serious and hard look at my own life and realized that there were so many positive and negative things that happened to me but the choice on how to react was completely mine. And being aware of that choice had a lot to do with how my mother raised me and it made me so much more grateful to have such an amazing woman in my life. I know everyone thinks their mom is amazing, as they should, but they don’t make them like mine anymore. She is so giving, honest, caring and definitely the wisest person I have ever met! I’d be beyond blessed to become half of the woman she is and if my children loved me as much as I love her. She inspires me daily and I dread the day I can no longer turn to her for advice.

All of this learning and all of this free time has me feeling like I need to do something with myself. Whenever I have nothing planned or nothing to do I just hear my mom’s voice in my head “There’s always something to do. There’s always something that can be cleaned, fixed or maintained.” So I’ve gotten back to exercising, planning a few DIY projects and I’m currently reading Game of Thrones. I’m up to date on all of the episodes for the show but I really wanted to read the books since so many of my friends recommended the series. It is amazingly written and full of details, which I love, but I still feel like I need to be doing more…so I decided to start blogging. I’ve always had this urge or need to put everything that’s going on in this restless mind of mine onto paper. Or should I say in a Word document? It started at a young age with a journal and then I was obsessed with poetry for a bit but now it has evolved into something else. There can be a song, a quote, a news story or any other kind of information that moves me and I’ll just go on a rant inside my head and it gets so overwhelming and complex (to me) that I need to write it down to make sense of it all. So far I’m liking it. Who knows who will even read this blog. I have no expectations and I’m just enjoying being able to put my thoughts out there and hoping someone might relate to this.

I wish you all a terrific and fulfilling day and I’d seriously love it if you could please drop a comment!