It is very difficult to put this amazing journey I’ve had with Alive into words.
How do you describe a serene state of mind or being able to bask in a pool of emotions you had buried deep inside many years ago? How do you describe sorting through your past, forgiving yourself for previous failures and self-harm and even forgiving those who have harmed you? Or learning to believe in yourself despite all of those voices in your head telling you that you can’t, you’re not good enough or not important enough? Even though it’s difficult, it’s not impossible and here is my reflection on 120 days of transformation.
The basic and advanced seminars were an extreme awakening. They shook up my core beliefs, broke down all the walls I had built up around my heart and gave me some intense feedback, or should I say a reality check, about the life I built for myself. I learned how to take responsibility for the things I did to myself and to others and forgive those people who harmed me and to forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself, for my life in the past. I learned that I have a voice, I am important and that I am brave. I can do anything I want to do if I believe in myself. It sounds so simple and so much like the underlying theme of every Disney movie I’ve ever seen, however, it’s remarkable how ingrained it was in my mind that I was not worthy of a successful and wonderful life. I realized that the things in my past that I thought were buried and gone and I had moved on from were still lying there beneath the surface just waiting to spring up whenever a stressful situation called upon me to take action and a step toward a good life. They kept dragging me back to this feeling of not being good enough or important enough, that I didn’t deserve to be happy when so many people around me weren’t either. How could I move on and be happy and leave everyone I love behind? I preferred to stay there in the sea of sadness, misery and depression instead of taking a step toward the light! Where the road is bumpy yet the destination is paradise! However, I did it. I took a step toward my future and the life I’ve always dreamed of, first, in company of my sister and then alone. It was hard not going back and dragging her with me. However, I learned that I cannot carry someone toward the life they want if they are not ready for it or because I’m scared to do it alone. I have to stand tall and keep going on my own. To discover who I truly am and whether or not I can walk the walk, not just talk the talk.
The True Journey
The true journey has been in believing I could do it on my own. Believing that I am strong, brave, passionate, loving and secure! That I am worth loving and worth believing in and when people I loved would tell me all the great things I am, believing that they are true.
I am all that and so much more.
Once the Liderazgo began, the stakes were higher and the risks were bigger. I realized that it’s not enough to learn about the tools for a better life but it’s extremely important to put them into practice in order to truly transform my life. I can’t want to transform it and not take action to make it happen. I would be continuing to rob myself of the life I’ve dreamed of whenever things were tough. The life I daydream about, that makes my heart skip a bit and puts a bit of fear in my mind because it seems so unrealistic at times. I learned I have to forget about baby steps and leap into this new life I have visualized. The first part was not easy. To actually stop, sit down, and take the time to sort through all the B.S. that was clouding my future and figure out what type of lifestyle I wanted to create. I had to really dig deep and not let what people would think of me or what they need from me affect these decisions. I have always been a people pleaser and it has led me nowhere. I was stuck in the same routine, going in circles trying to make everyone happy at the cost of my own happiness and needs. No more! So when I created my goals and expectations for myself in this Liderazgo, I really worked hard to stretch myself and make myself grow. To step out of my comfort zone and do things I’ve wanted to do but kept telling myself I couldn’t. It was not a perfect journey; there were moments I wanted to quit, to just say “To hell with this! I would have less pressure and stress and commitments if I just quit.” Then I remembered everything I went through to learn the things I learned in the Basic and Advanced workshops. I realized I always want to take the easy way out. I have abandoned many things in my life and mainly my education and weight loss journey have been the ones I have regretted the most. If it got too stressful, too challenging, too scary, too hard, I just gave up. I threw all my progress in the trash and went back to my old ways; the ways that got me over weight, without direction in life, and stuck in the same routine with people who were just as miserable as I was. How could I change my life if I was always quitting when things got tough? How would I accomplish my goals or make my dreams come true if I kept giving up on myself? What was I teaching my little brother when he looked at me and thought about the things I have told him to do when he is in a rough patch? What kind of example am I setting for my future children? These were the questions I kept asking myself when things got rough. I kept marching through the rough days and worked on being the beacon of light for myself and my tribe on the good ones!
One major thing that was difficult for me was asking for support from other people. In my life, I have always had to rely on myself and only one other person, my mother. Anytime I ever asked for support people would make promises and never keep them. So instead of finding a true support system, I put all the pressure on myself and never asked for support when I truly needed it or I just gave up. I gave up instead of reaching out to the people who care about me. It was strange at first and I still struggle, however, it has become easier and easier each time I do. And I am honestly surprised at the people who have risen up to help me during challenging situations. I am grateful and blessed to have a supportive family and an amazing new Tribe that is always cheering me on every step of the way, despite them having their own fears, insecurities and other issues to deal with. It’s hard to believe that this is the first time I feel like I truly belong somewhere, that I have people in my life who share the same vision for the world that I do. It was in all of the amazing exercises we did, all of the meltdowns I had and the moments of true empowerment when I realized that this is it. I am living the life I have visualized, or at least, I’m working on it. My life is not perfect, I still have lots of work to do, and I am putting in 100% of my inner strength and effort to see it through.
I have done things I never thought I could do and have learned to accept the wonderful things about myself that I was too embarrassed or scared to believe I am. I have learned to be proud of myself and let my inner light shine no matter what comes my way. To forgive myself for not being perfect and to not be so hard on myself and love myself the way I would my best friend, because that is what I am, my own best friend.
As my new best friend, I encourage myself to not settle, to put in the hard work and work intelligently toward my goals. I love myself and won’t let my fears, insecurities or other negative traits keep me from being the best version of me and I commit to the following:
- To continue to work on myself and always put me and my needs first.
- Support my family and friends and be there for all of life’s wonderful and hard moments that will help us grow together.
- To take the time to actually enjoy my life and not be so hard on myself.
- To let my inner child take over as often as possible.
- Be more aware of how my actions affect people and strive to live a life of Win/Win.
- To reach my weight loss goals and live a healthy lifestyle.
- Continue to give 110% to my education and graduate from university and get my masters.
- To save my money and be smart with my finances.
- Take as many vacations as possible!
- Continue to give back to Alive and touch as many lives as possible.
- Keep working on my blog and writing skills and always ensure I spend time nurturing my creative side.
- Spend more time appreciating nature.
- Organize my life so that all of the above is possible!