Why the F*** not me?

I’m trying so hard not to burst into happy tears and I am failing miserably. It takes A LOT to make me cry so these tears running down my cheek are some serious stuff!

It starts with my work mom returning from her family vacation in a bit of a funk the other day. So when she invited me to lunch, I was prepared to be a good listener and offer emotional support since she was already having a sh***y week and it was only Monday.

We walked over to a nice salad and sandwich shop nearby and were chatting about her vacation and my crazy family weekend when we shifted to the topic of my education. As I mentioned in my last post, I recently returned to school after an 8 year “break” to pursue a degree in Communication Disorders and Diseases. She is one of my biggest supporters and is always keeping tabs on my progress. When we were discussing when I would start applying to universities I realized the date is slowly creeping up on me. Then, she asked the question that has been haunting me since I started up school again, “What’s next?”.

What’s Next? What’s Next? What’s Next?

I keep asking myself this question and I thought the plan I had for myself was a pretty good one until she asked me some solid questions that really got me thinking. Why was I only thinking about applying to Cal State Universities? Why wasn’t I even considering applying to schools of a higher caliber? And why wasn’t I applying to the school that is best suited to my major?  I wracked my brain for the answer and then it came to me. The four letter F word that I have let rule my life for too long:

FEAR

 Applying to other schools would be seriously stepping out of my comfort zone. I had a plan, choose a local school that was easy enough to get into and easy enough to pay for and just focus on the end game. So when she asked me those weighted questions even more questions bombarded my mind! How would I pay for it? What if I was rejected? What if I had to move away from home again? How would my family feel about it all? I kept thinking of the negative and was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed and then I stopped myself. I made myself look at the possibilities and the opportunities instead of the “obstacles”. I could graduate from a school I’ve always dreamed of attending. I could set an example for my little brother that, as cheesy as it sounds, you CAN do anything you put your mind to. I could prove to myself that I CAN conquer my fears and be a “Boss Bitch” (I love that term) in my own right. I could live somewhere new and really be focused on myself and reach my full potential. I started to get excited when we talked about the possibility of a UC or private school and Cal State Northridge which is a bit far and would require a move but one of the best schools for my major. We addressed the issues that made me give into my fears and when I got back from lunch I felt like I had a whole new perspective on my education.

Now, I’m sure to many of you the things I discovered during this conversation and while mulling it over in my mind are a no brainer; but to me, a girl from a south central L.A. city where the schools were overcrowded, whose single mother didn’t speak much English and didn’t pay too much attention to her education and who lacked the motivation to make college happen right off the bat this conversation impacted me greatly. It revealed to me that even though I’ve come a long way, I still have a long way to go when it comes to discovering what my full potential is and getting rid of the self imposed obstacles that stop me from reaching my goals.

I am now revisiting my educational goals and looking into the requirements for the universities of my dreams! I am looking at a bigger and better future than I had originally imagined and it’s all thanks to the wonderful woman the Lord has put in my life at the exact time I needed her! I am so grateful to her and the support she is offering. I really do feel like the people you surround yourself with really have a huge impact on your outlook on life and I am so glad I get to spend time with a person who is supportive, kind, caring, empathetic and above all things an intelligent woman who worked her butt off to get to where she is today! Thank you Work Mom for everything!  I’ll no longer spend time thinking about the reasons why I can’t do something. I will now quote Mindy Kaling and ask myself “Why the fuck not me?”

Boldly stated by Mindy Kaling

Boldly stated by Mindy Kaling

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